Tags: family

treelights

Fairly Calm

My body feels pretty calm this morning. I don’t feel elated or high energy, but at least I am not feeling frightened, jittery, or down. Just calm.

I have had some intruding thoughts. I tell myself I don’t need to think and strategize excessively over my parents coming, but then I keep catching myself planning things I could make for them or where I could get extra chairs, etc.

I gently set these thoughts back aside as soon as I recognize them as ruminative, protective ideas. I have been trying to notice the safety and tranquility of the softly rainy weather, the light of the day, the air in the room, the quiet.

I have things to get done today, but whenever I think that, it feels like to act on it, I have to run, rush, push, jump. So, so far, I haven’t lifted a finger to start on any of the things. I want to wait til I can come at the day one thing at a time, with pleasure to have things I can and will get done. For now, I am just breathing and relaxing to remove the tension of feeling like I have to be hyper-vigilant and superhuman to cope with an upcoming visit.

I don’t need to do that anymore. What I need is to keep in touch with knowing my own world, and value it above accommodating other people. I need to do what feels like my kind of thing.... and then let that translate into how I would get ready for others to visit. Not how my past protective strategies would get ready. THAT is my new protective strategy. I stay in the place I can thrive in, my world, and I no longer believe the only way to survive is to lose myself into trying to fit into theirs.