Tags: emotional

treelights

Improved the situation

I am sizably fatigued from leading with my strengths to handle the situation with Tony, but at least now I feel like I have things in a good place. I saw there was culpability on my part. I need to recognize, when someone close to me is misjudging me, that it will not harm ME if they don't have their facts straight. Yes, most definitely the relationship isn't improved by being made a scapegoat, or being made out as something I am not. I am still me though. To be clear, I am not going to willingly go along with being cast as the objectionable party since I was treated that way so much growing up. I find it unjust and angering. But now, I see I am able to walk away without having to 'convert' the other person to believe what I do about myself, especially if they have some psychological investment in not seeing me.

Things are all-in-all pretty peaceful today, especially outwardly. It makes my fear and weakness and dark urges to believe I am unsafe all the more incongruent, but I feel a level of acceptance about them in this instance. I can clearly see that this is the after effects of calling on my strengths... my weaknesses and fears and sorrows need a chance to manifest and play catch up... because last night was horribly negative for me and my inner child.

The house atmosphere is mellow, and Tony is being solicitous and kindly. I am taking care of what I need to as vigilantly as possible. The one thing is, there is a little alarm bell that has gone off several times today in my mind wondering why I am acting like Tony and I are chummy (and that he is trustworthy) after last night's discord and drama. It seems a bit to my eyes like I look like a pushover or doormat that everything is fine all of a sudden. Oh well.

The calm is also in part because I'm shut down to some extent. The crust between my conscious feelings and unconscious ones is high and thick right now, like a frost over my inner landscape. Underneath and somewhat out of my jurisdiction, I sense anxiety, angst, and a blow to my faith in the good. These are tumbling around knocking against my normal arrangement of things in my inner 'house'. It makes me afraid to go to the store (which I am about to do) and fearful of being alive in general. It makes me feel like a pawn in a story with an unhappy ending. On the bright side, I am trying to let the hints of these feelings be in my conscious awareness and allowed despite periodic beliefs that I am dangerously injured or this is the end of my lucky run of sanity.