hazelwindows (hazelwindows) wrote,

Very Anxious

My body is very anxious. I am exhausted. This is where my anxiety begins to feel like a spasmodic tic. I’m too tired to care what is happening to me much intellectually, but my body seems to believe it must fight against something by shuddering and jerking and flooding with adrenaline every little while or so.

I wish I could be so much stronger than this. Strong enough to be able to truly and utterly convince my body it is not in danger. Like how Luna grabbed Gray Kitten by the face and throat and gnawed at him persistently when he was panicking when he first got his eyes open. He calmed down because she overrode whatever concerns in processing the visual world he was having by her immediacy and her certainty— she chewed at his exposed throat and pinned him down on his back, dominating him easily with her paws and face, and she communicated to him “This is just how things are, and you’re a part of it now. Accept it.”

It’s kind of ironic that being held down, completely defenseless, by a giant creature free to bite at you and pin you in a way you can’t move— can result in calmness, acceptance, and acquiescence to however things are going to be. Maybe I need to stop struggling against the biting, pinioning forces in my life. I want to know how to let a process like that happen to me, so I can relax and accept the reality in front of me on every level.

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