hazelwindows (hazelwindows) wrote,

Missed my mouth

I was starting to feel calmer, and then, I missed when I squirted the syringe into my mouth, and some unknown amount of my liquid valium dose went in my mouth, on my hands, on the front of my shirt, and on the floor.

I tried my best to imagine how much to give myself to make up for it, but it was random at best.

I have told myself that, hey, you don’t feel the withdrawal effects from underdosing/overdosing until the next day or two later, so quit having anxiety jerking attacks tonight. My body doesn’t care that it’s too soon to have intense anxiety. It just knows it doesn’t trust me to keep it safe and I screwed up with one of the things i feel powerless and easily harmed by... the tapering/withdrawal sensitivity to valium.

This led me to wish i was dead once again.

Now, I am at a place where I am trying to see that I can’t control this life or place too many expectations on it. The best I can do is notice what I still can do with what I have available, until I have nothing left.

For instance, I just fed the cats. I took comfort in knowing I am in this moment taking care of them no matter what happens tomorrow. Tony gave me back rubs and he cares about me and gives good things to me

Instead of noticing my mounting anxiety symptoms, I need to watch for nausea and motion sickness. Those are the two big symptoms of actual withdrawal and if I feel those tomorrow night or the next, I can hypothetically up dose slightly to see if i can improve it.

I cried tonight and said it feels like God is no longer my friend. I guess I need to find acceptance of how far off I feel from teh Good with everythign that’s bene going on lately. I have no resilience, no cushion inside left to bounce through the ups and downs—

But the alternative is to use up even *more* spoons with panicking and flipping out because I don’t have anymore composure left to give.

I hope that nice lady at the intake appt wasn’t just telling me I didnt qualify for the outpatient as a smooth way for her superiors to circumvent rejecting me for medicare and complaints. I really hope I wasn’t being fed a line when she told me I was too stable for outpatient. I don’t feel stable tonight.

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