Eye of the Blackbird

animal pain again

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 11:27:09 GMT

Bad dream about those motherf***ing restraint dog collars and the controlling people who use them again. There is one person who I have a deep anger against, and that person is the unempathetic prick who invented that thing. Whatever his reasoning, clearly only a fool would not see immediately how those shitty things debase and utterly aggravate the human weakness toward harboring control issues of subjugation, force, and craving being the Master of it all. I curse that person again tonight for his wrongness in creating a device which would wind up inflicting hurt on such a widespread number of people's sensibilities and of course on the poor dogs. I hate it and I really hate the apparent acceptance of it and other things that are plainly poorly-disguised evilness being sold to us. So many products out there created to increase suffering. Animal slavery has been and continues to be the ugliest thing I will have to witness in my lifetime.

Next Year

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 18:49:17 GMT

This is the last half-assed dinner I justify because I dont cook and my family doesnt get into Thanksgiving.

Tony and I went out to Shari's and it was like a living exhibit of all the derelicts and broken homes in the area. I couldnt get the words, "Jerry Springer Ringmaster: Holiday Edition" out of my mind. The food also sucked extra hard. Even the dessert tasted like lukecold glop (yet I *still* managed to justify eating it even though I was supposedly not really celebrating Thanksgiving.)

I've decided that next Thanksgiving, I am going to make the effort to actually cook a meal. The rut I've got going with this holiday is nothing but sheer laziness at this point. I will also invite at least one person to come share it with Tony and I. I'm not a cook, but once a year putting a couple humble dishes together is not going to strain my skills *that* much. Everyone can cook something when push comes to shove, including me. I happen to have the family recipe to cook a bad ass potato-veggie pie for example. I'm not going to another restaurant next year. I'm not even going to do the pathetic microwave-foods-from-new-season's-deli-case Thanksgiving meal. Next year's dinner will consist of stuff that I (and whoever is eating with me because I am not agreeing to HOST Thanksgiving) actually, literally, HAVE COOKED.

The funner part of our Thanksgiving this year was that Tony and I parked the car downtown, walked over, and wound up at the theater. We spontaneously decided to go see the new Twilight movie. A wise choice instead of walking around more since it rained ALL DAY AND NIGHT this Thanksgiving.

As an aside, I just want to say how much I dislike people saying "Happy Turkey Day" on Thanksgiving like the waitress who said that to us and then to every other party who came into Shari's last night. Each time she said it, she acted like she was making it up off the top of her head just for that patron's ears. I know that working Shari's on Thanksgiving has gotta be lame and I can sympathize, but somehow, whenever she said "happy turkey day", I was annoyed more. She'd pause after "happy" and then blurt "turkey" every time for emphasis on her little cleverness at subbing "turkey" for the word "thanksgiving". It was a very repetitive, staged tip-garnering tactic. Unfortunately, I still thought she seemed like kind of a bitch.

"Happy Turk-ey Day!"

Obviously this is not a day that's happy for turkeys. I resent the stupid picture that comes into my head when I hear these words, and I resent the implication that there is anything remotely cute about celebrating a "turkey day" where we all sit around and scarf up big, dead birds. What a thrilling image. Hey, why dont we nickname a special day just for that?

For "turkey day" we donated money to a farm sanctuary. Admittedly, their main rescues are abused and neglected pigs, but they also have some rescued turkeys there too, so it still works out neatly in my mind.

devastation

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 08:01:55 GMT

If I tried to describe the kind of mental and emotional anguish I have been in and continue to experience coming and going throughout each hour of the last few days, I would only alienate you. If I tried to explain what all exactly has happened, my picturing of how that would be received by people would only hurt me worse. No one can know.

Things have gone horribly wrong in my life to a pitch felt when you are trapped inside of a dangerous nightmare, but in this instance there is no hope of waking up somewhere else. There is no where else. The more time passes, the more I have to contend with the understandings slowly sinking into my soul about the changes to my circumstance.

I don't understand this part. I fear I cannot acclimate to it. The suffering and the dawning realization that what had been cradled in your arms all safe and sound, last you knew, was actually found dead 3 months ago, washed up, unnatural and abhorrent, on a distant river bank. A reluctant admission rejected by the belly of justice and stirred up from the very bottom of the river as a black splinter of mercy to prick its warning into my heart.

I had stood idle watch for months over the forest but I hadnt seen a thing. I hadnt imagined an unidentifiable wet body or how it takes so long for them to finally put a name to the lifeless face. I hadnt known the impossible amount of time it takes to at last get the call telling you how long it's been since that warmth was truly lost to you. I hadnt known my heart would break backwards through time and space into all these places where I still felt it's small, secret thrumming-- alive and vital for a last moment before it was taken away from me one final time.

I struggle against this downward process by committing myself to the hour or the minute I'm in, and by searching for any little action I can take that will defy the sense of emptiness. I fight by bothering to go on now.

What Mood Are You In?

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 21:40:31 GMT

You Are In a Fantastic Mood

You're confident, focused, and on top of your game. This might be one of the best days ever.
You're very happy and content with your life. And you will probably feel this way for a long time.

People are attracted to your energy right now. You've got some amazing vibes going on.
This is the time to go for it - you're likely to get what you want. So take that risk!

What Mood Are You In?

household visitor

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 22:41:25 GMT

We heard a chirping like a cricket in the house a few nights ago, but we couldnt locate the source of the noise... that is, until yesterday morning when I looked up and saw a giant green insect clinging to the high ceiling in the kitchen!

I was a little creeped out, but I finally managed to gingerly nudge it toward the deck door with the tip of a broom. It leaped outside and was free again without mishap. Once safely out on the deck, I tried to take some pics of it for Tony to see. I also brought it a little cat dish full of fresh herb salad. This, it LOVED.

Here are a few of the pics that turned out.

This first one is before I had the idea to feed him after his ordeal being trapped in a cat household for two days.

I'm surprised at how well these next three turned out. While I was taking them, I was convinced you couldnt see the grasshopper at all against the salad. His body from the side looks like a giant leaf too, so he was more camoflaged to my eyes than in these pics. He's on the right side of the salad pile, standing in leaves, and his pointy green butt is most visible. In the 3rd pic of him on the salad, it's his big, bent green legs that give him away. Otherwise, it's amazing how much he looks like salad!

After he'd glutted himself on herb leaves for a long long time, he finally got full. I took this last pic when he and I were both leaning on the railing in the sun. For a little while, I'd been worried he was lost or unsure of how to get back down into the garden. Then, watching him preen, I realized he was just relaxing after his feasting before jumping down into the hazards of the garden again. This was the last I saw of him.

"Restored from saved draft"

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 16:27:17 GMT

Emmy is doing much better, thank God. Her throat is obviously still sore when she swallows but she definitely has regained her strength and the retching has stopped. She's been walking around the house and yard all day instead of hunched still in a corner. She is also eating again with much gusto. I called and left a message thanking the vet for all her help yesterday.

In other really good news, it is overcast today. And, we got cable tv on the spur of the moment while the comcast guy was here repairing our internet connection. I called and reported the guy for a positive service experience beyond any we have gotten from a cable company before. We're over the moon... even free HBO for a year, a unknown to us.

The breeze is cool coming in through the windows, and the sky is a nice dark light like it seems to be so often in towns by the sea. Very nice. So nice, in fact, that I can't get myself to watch the new cable tv because I dont want to miss all this ambience.

The baby crows are squawking at their mother in the backyard, I have Steve Roach songs playing, and the cats are lying about enjoying the slight edge to the temperature by curling up as they nap instead of sprawling out.

*************************************************
I originally tried to post this yesterday, but of course, LJ has been all messed up. Which reminds me, there are 3 different people on my friends list who posted yesterday and I tried to respond to only to find that my comments would not post. Instead they were lost. You'd think I'd have learned after the second try didnt work, but I came back later and forgot all about the posting problems. I'm sorry to those wondering why I did not say anything in reply yesterday. Please blame LJ.

Good side: I can report that it's as dark and delicious out today as it was yesterday, and in fact, I'm even more sensually keyed up about it now than when I posted before despite being in an office today. It is so dark out!! Such a godsend.

My cooking curse lives on as always

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 01:58:33 GMT

My cooking instincts are ridiculously bad. I am trying to cook Tony and I dinner tonight. I've been working on it all day, and I picked the easiest thing I could imagine... spaghetti.

Because I am too tired and hot and pressed for time before I have to go picked my doomed fiance up from work, here is a list of the bad instincts I have noticed so far...

- Instead of going with what I know, I picked up some "imported from Italy" special spaghetti sauce because it looked very good in the jar. Tasting it at home, I come to find out that whatever that Italian word is on the front label, it means "SPICY HOT MEXICAN SPAGHETTI SAUCE!!" The main ingredient of my spaghetti sauce is "red hot chili powder."
- I noticed this after I had already poured the sauce onto my spaghetti, because I did not sample before you add it... but wait I am getting ahead of myself...
- I poured the sauce straight out of the jar onto my freshly strained spaghetti thinking that it would magically marinate into the marrow of the noodles if I cooked them altogether. That is until I remembered spaghetti will overcook into mush if left hot for too long.
- I strained the spaghetti since I would not be able to "cook down" the watery SPICY sauce and then threw the whole thing into the fridge because I had other problems. Thsi sounds reasonable and that is because I had to call someone for advice at this point.
- After hunting all day in several stores (and another outreach call) later, I found garlic spread. It wasnt the garlic butter au naturel I was hoping for, but it seemed simple enough. Until I found out that the bread loaf I bought, ignoring again the go with what you know rule, was simply LACED and REEKING with whole cloves of garlic baked into its tough artisan-y crust. Not only that, but it smells just a little off-- like goat cheese or olives or some other tartish nasty gourmet thing unwelcome in our low brow house.
- Then there's the mashed potatoes. Ya, I screwed them up too. I got cocky, no doubt another rule broken in the cooking world. Thou shalt not get cocky while cooking. Instead of just buying some potatoes and peeling them like every other American, I decided to get Yukon Gold potatoes because I thought they would make a nice yellow color mash and I wouldnt have to peel them because the skin was so thin. So, I didnt peel them. Then, I overcooked them to the point that their little skins came right off. And then I didnt see the warning of that, and instead upon realizing how obvious they were, I took knives and hacked them all into little shreds in the mash. And now every bite tastes like I added a jar of grape skins to the mix. I am on the fence about tolerating them, personally, but as one got stuck in my throat (like a second skin) during a sample taste, I am filled with the knowledge that Tony will detest them. Which leads me to another broken rule error toward the tastes of who you're trying to feed. Oops.
- The peas I *was* going to add to the potatoes are complete and utter overkill in the vegetable skin texture dept at this point. I wish I wouldnt have thrown them directly into the garbage in a fit of exasperation though. If I had heeded the old adage about haste makes waste I would have saved myself the pang of regret a half a second later when I realised I could have made them a separate side dish on their own, one single shining dish Tony would at least recognize in its familiar form, though he isnt MAD about peas per se.
- The dessert is my one remaining hope. I've got five alarm spaghetti, skinner's mashed potatoes, a loaf of god-knows-what that I cant decide how to butter let alone pass off as regular garlic bread at all, and no protein source for my meal at all. But with the dessert there is still a chance. I have little concord red grapes, the ones that taste like a ball of grape melon in your mouth for a second after you suck them out of their skins. Then, I have reddi whip heavy whipped cream (having already made past errors on using fake-o cool whip) and then these cute heart-shaped little "platiers" which appear to be a cross between a hard cookie and a vivisected croissant. I wait to see what gauche problem I am going to have with those as they seem utterly delightful no matter how much I try to imagine the flaw that drew me to choose them from a store full of other dessert items. It will come.

Time to go get Tony. He just finished a ten hour shift. I am going to tell him on the drive home that if he doesnt like any of this mess (as who would!?) he is welcome to order a pizza. I just wish I had more to show for having slaved on the house and the food and errands all day. *sigh*

Grandmother Faye Update

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 19:50:11 GMT

The biopsy has confirmed that Grandmother has lung cancer/lymphoma. They found it because the lymph nodes surrounding her lungs have cancer that has malformed their shape and the irregular shapes showed up on a routine chest x-ray. On Friday of next week, they will be meeting with an oncologist to find out what the cancer specialist says can be done to treat it. Her PCP said that if it is not treated by chemo and surgery, he gives her 4 to 6 months left to live. No one knows yet what the specialist will have to add except to say whether he advises her to do chemo & surgery or not.

Grampa told Mom that Grandmother has stopped eating, she coughs a lot, and she has begun sleeping all day. Her mood is reportedly good though I cannot picture how that is so.

I am very grateful that Grampa and Mom made special arrangements to schedule the appt when my Dad could come down to attend it too. They NEEEEEEEED my Dad there. Badly. My Mom's side of the family (her included) are flatly unable to grasp what's being told them in a medical environment, to ask questions when they dont understand, or to convey what was said afterward with any accuracy. They know it too, and are relieved Dad will be there to help. My Grampa is deaf, my Grandmother can't speak well or remember short term information from the stroke, and my Mother gets social anxiety at the idea of speaking up assertively in public situations. We're all counting on Dad.

Grandmother sounds like she is fading quickly. I am sad about the helplessness this causes us all. No one knows what to do, and everyone seems to worry they are guilty of not having been there and done enough. At least that's my sense of it, but I could be projecting. I can't imagine what Grampa is going to do after she dies. I cannot imagine. He is a flukey, quirky spirit, and it could be just about anything. He has money and his health and even his looks! The one thing he doesn't have is any people he's gotten close to besides her all these years in his social shyness and self-consciousness and with the hearing disability.

I am working on believing the best and I am watching for any signs that this process holds some sort of meaning or mercy in it. I don't know human death. I know that Mom believes firmly that she has had a remission of the fibromyalgia as a gift from Above because she needed to be strong enough to handle this situation. I feel it's another mercy that my Grandmother seems to have lost her ability to recall how close death is to her... the short term memory impairment she is experiencing seems to be keeping her from feeling fear and loss about her life. That strikes me as a little too providential to just be a coincidental aspect of her body's deterioration.

In a secret, selfish little spot in my heart, I am hurting that she most likely won't make it to live to see my wedding. Amd she most likely *will* still be here for the day we WERE going to get married. What if it turns out that if I hadnt changed the date from Sept to March, she would have been able to be there with us?

That hurts. I feel like maybe I am not doing things right.

Down at the beach for the day

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 17:49:23 GMT

I'm typing this from my parents' computer at the beach house in Rockaway. I drove myself down and had a very monumental experience through the course of my drive.

I'm so glad I came down. I feel very free and like I know myself well today. It's a happy feeling, and quite a departure from how I usually might have felt on an exposure in the past.

Milk??

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 23:05:17 GMT

I drove by this the other day, and I had to stop and take some pics because it cracked me up...

Ya, I had to veer around a giant milk in the roadway.

Two guys were working on restoring the decals on each side of it. One guy kept glancing furtively over his shoulder at me, clearly uncomfortable with my sneaking up and taking pics of their work. I would wander back around the corner again each time I snapped a pic so they couldnt tell me to leave. The other guy was so into his work he didnt even notice me.

It's the Sunshine Dairy's giant milk that sits on the top of their factory in town. I think it actually used to revolve too so you could see the different milks displayed on each side. Maybe it still does, I'll have to watch next time I go by.

You know, I never could've imagined that hazard cones would be used for this purpose.

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 03:27:29 GMT

I've been a clingy freak today with Tony. Luckily, he doesn't seem to mind me like this. I just keep feeling like no matter what, I have the safety of the relationship we have made together. It's a place that I am learning to trust more and more. It's a real balm to the uncertainties of late.

Tony ordered this awesome satirical commentary that you play along with the movie "Twilight". It's kind of like Mystery Science Theater, with a couple guys making hilarious comments as the movie plays on. He's loading it right now, but the few clips we watched had me in stitches.

darkness spans the distances between all lights

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 20:57:59 GMT

I'm feeling a sense of grief about my Grandmother every time I type/text her name. Faye. There it went again. She was the only person I've ever known by that name. I always liked that she had such an unconventional, heathen name.

Her physical condition has worsened uexpectedly. To what extent, we wont know exactly for another two weeks.

Selfishly, I apply the knowledge of her quickening departure from life to my own situation. If she is much sicker than we even knew, then my fantasy of her being there when I get married will not happen. In my mind, I was trying for it to be such a sweeping gesture of acknowledgement of my grandparents too.

Having the wedding ceremony relocated to their house was a small attempt to make up for all the many many times I have missed social gatherings over the years. It was for all the unending instances where conversations with me would lapse into awkward silences because I didnt know how to keep a normal, casual conversation going. I didnt know how to become close enough to them to be real and serious with them either. I just wanted my Grandmother and Grampa to feel a part of this ongoing family history in *my* value of them too, not just by association with the other members of my family with which they were all closer.

I dont think they can know that they matter to me more than I feel I know how to let on to them. *I* didnt even fully know that they matter like they do. It's not hard to believe considering how repressed my real thoughts and feelings and personality have felt around them over the years. Being social is such a handicap for me, and paying them the kindness of acting natural and comfortable chatting around them is something I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO DO no matter what I tried to do to change it. Unlike both my siblings. Adam and Anna are blessed with that sort of easy grace. I remember how my grandparents eyes would light up when either of my siblings would talk with them or offer to come play golf or visit them. It was all so natural, and I just couldnt figure out how to make myself be comfortable so that they would feel comfortable with me. It breaks my heart.

I feel that shortcoming the most as I sit here helpless to even go visit them. If I learn anything after the finality of this upcoming loss, I hope for it to be to value positive, sincere interaction on lighter social levels over self-criticalness, fear of rejection, and mind-reading.

My grandmother's name is Faye Joyce Japel. I wish she knew that I love her for her shy, but stubborn spirit of determination through all the years. She was always "grandmother" to me and my respect for her will always be great.

White Stray -- Recent Developments

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 17:47:38 GMT

I called a really nice vet clinic in Tigard that we've used to get cats fixed in the past. They were incredibly accomodating and pleasant to me. The woman I talked to readily addressed my problem of how once I manage to trap the stray, I would need to be able to bring it in for the surgery because I can't just store it here because it will spray. Normally, you need an appt and to get it in first thing in the morning, but they agreed to let us just bring it in whenever we caught it and if it was too late in the day, they were going to board it overnight for free and bump it to first thing the next morning. So unusual to find and so kind of them!

Having resolved my course of action, the only thing left to do was for me to somehow catch it. I originally took out a pillowcase yesterday afternoon when it appeared in the backyard, but after sitting next to it petting it's neck as it nervously went between me and the food I put down for it, I realized it would tear me up if I tried to stuff it into a bag. The only reason that had worked one time in Troutdale with Ken when he had run off is because he knew me and would lay down on the case right in front of me back then. So, we brought out the large cat carrier we own and left it sitting out overnight under the trees where I typically feed the stray.

This morning, as Tony was getting ready to go to the gym and a morning appt, of course, the stray shows up out back. I went out with food and petted it and coaxed it right in front of the carrier which it was now less leery of since nothing had happened by it yesterday. Then, I got the bright idea to put the food into the back of the carrier. The white cat did a little test run into the carrier, but I knew better than to jump the gun with wary cats so I waited til he had gone out again, and then coaxed him partially into it again. Then I made my move. Just like Hansel and Grettel did to the witch, I shoved the cat into the carrier and shut the door. Success!

The cat was so upset I instantly started feeling like the biggest betrayer of all time. Plus, it was now standing in the food plate. Tony came out (he couldnt be outside because the cat runs from him as a result of our good cop/bad cop tactics) and carried the carrier back inside. Then, with an oven mitt on, I removed the plate of food so he wouldnt get covered in it. I felt even worse because the cat didnt even try to scratch me, he just was scared and upset. Tony had to cancel his appt and forego his trip to the gym so we could drive it to the vet, but he was able to make some calls and everything worked out alright.

We called the clinic to let them know we were coming and put the cat into the car. It made me cry several times! The cat was so scared and yet when I would put my fingers at the holes in the carrier he would try to rub his head on them and it was the only thing that seemed to calm him down. He is so lonely. It's so sad.

Yesterday, I had tried to see how much he would tolerate me touching him, and so I put both my hands on his body while I petted him. He liked to be touched but when I placed my hand lightly on his lower back he freaked out. It turned out he has tightly knotted dreds ALL OVER his lower body which are not comfortable at all. So, when I was in the vet dropping him off, I asked if while he was unconscious they could clean him and cut the dreds out if they arent salvageable. So, that will be a huge relief for him.

We are going to keep him in the upstairs bathroom while he is healing and he will be ready today at 330pm so he wont have to be in a kennel overnight because we got him in so early this morning. I am praying for him actually because I feel totally guilty and responsible for luring him into a cage, and then leaving him to go through a very bewildering and uncomfortable experience today. I just hope he is better for it, and that our cats stop being upset by him being around after he is neutered.

Here is a pic I snapped hurriedly as we were unloading poor White Stray at the parking lot of the vet...

I hope he is okay.

White Stray Beat Up Ken

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 16:47:36 GMT

Our highly favored and much adored orange male cat, Ken, got his ass handed to him by the straggly white stray last night. We'd been just letting things go how they would when Ken was the one driving off the stray whenever it tried to get in the house (every night) but the white cat finally bested him somehow.

Tony and I were up in arms after that. Nobody messes with our sweet Ken.

We heard a horrible squalling and then Ken limped upstairs and hid under the kitchen table. He was afraid for us to even approach him, and even using a little cup of milk couldnt tempt him out-- a first, I believe. He spent the rest of the night upstairs. When I went down to bed, he was still ignoring my coaxes to come downstairs with us.

We wanted to put his mind at ease so we piled stuff up in front of the cat door so the cats were locked inside. He could smell that cat so he still wouldnt come downstairs. I tried spraying febreze all over the area of the catdoor because I thought maybe the stray had sprayed it, but Ken wasn't going for it.

Usually after a fight, there are tufts of white hair everywhere and Ken seems to kind of swagger around. This time, there were orange tufts of hair scattered about the basement.

So, we locked all the cats in, but we propped open the upstairs deck doors. Partially, this was because I was a little worried about the cats' continence. They arent used to "holding it" all night. They're used to going outside whenever they feel like it. This morning, I found two Ken-related piles upstairs, and Ken was no where to be found in the house.

We eventually spotted him in the backyard by the toolshed! He has always had this huge shame complex with making mistakes in the house the few times something has happened. When we were using a litter box at night a couple times in Troutdale that was too small for him to fit into, he actually used the toilet. Two. different. times. He is utterly terrified of alienating us, and being older, he is also not good at holding it in through an entire night. I wonder if he was abused by some previous owner about making messes. Whatever the explanation, Ken lives in utter dread of us ever seeming upset with him. We NEVER speak sharply to him because we've seen him run off for days just because he thought he was in trouble. His own shame is so excessive, we are usually trying to comfort him and assure him he's loved and okay. Talk about a cat with PTSD.

The point was that not only did Ken have the indignity of being beaten by the white stray, but he then made a mess upstairs, and most likely felt compelled to jump off the deck in his horror at our impending discovery of his accident.

When we called him back in this morning, we lavished him with strokes and loves and cooings galore. Poor old Ken.

Then we had to figure out how to deal with the white cat who was already back for more. We decided that we'd have to do good cop/bad cop with the stray because I still need to be able to coax it to me when we find somewhere to relocate it to. So, Tony went out and sprayed it with the hose. This phased it so minimally that it only retreated to the back of the yard area. Nothing seemed to be helping the situation, so finally, I hid just inside the garage by the catdoor until it chased Emmy inside, and when it stuck it's white head in the door, I splashed water at it while banging on the metal door panel. That scared it up onto the fence. Finally, Tony took the hose and went after it again outside and it finally left the property.

I got all dead ends from the ad on craigslist. Now, I am going to find out how to get on the 3 month waiting list for the humane society. I am also trying to decide what else i can do. I dont want to trap it until I have a place to take it although I considered it initially. I would like to be able to take it down and check for a microchip and see if it has been fixed or not. (Spraying concerns me greatly after what that other cat did to our house there.) But once I do the trapping gambit, I wont be able to trick him into a box again. It's a one time deal with strays before they get wise to your intentions.

If I didnt have the agonizing and relentlessly Catholic conscience I do, I would really really like to box White Stray up and release it out in the fields by where the cat lady that took that other stray lives in Molalla. Or even out by where other friendly farms exist that I know of. Or even just in a different neighborhood from ours where lots of cats live. But I know I'd worry and wonder and have crap for karma after doing something like that. Even taking it to animal control crossed my mind after the episode with Ken. Ken has been through A LOT in his sorry past, and we have worked very hard to make his life nowadays as idyllic as it can be to make up for it. Having some cat bring him down out of his strange little perpetually-happy mindset is intolerable. Still, it would be a death sentence for the stray, and I can't be party to something so hard-hearted.

Another thing that is intolerable though is if that cat starts spraying in the house. At all. I will *not* have our cats and housekeeping look irresponsible to the landlord when we move out because of some stray! No, that's not fair to US. I have got to figure out some kind of option for getting that cat out of here soon.

These are a few of the pics I took of White Stray when I was emailing a woman who thought it might be her lost cat. It wasn't and she didn't want him either.

good morning

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 15:38:39 GMT

Today is Tony's run-around-to-appointments-from-morning-to-night day. I'm about to sneak the car over to get myself some coffee before he leaves. Maybe I'll grab the water jug too so I can fill it up at the store.

Wedding Dress Possibilities

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 06:18:22 GMT

Is this first dress more like:

Something a Gelfling from Dark Crystal would wear to hunt mushrooms?

Or something Stevie Nicks only wears around the house?

Would I be better off going straight for the SCA event wear?

What if I assured you I would not put a long red-haired wig on with this ensemble?

I have to pair up something with Tony's comfort zone too. He wants to look like this:

Can you imagine any of these dresses going with that tux?
#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

And of course, #1, the one I tried to buy online awhile back, is no longer available at all. If you chose one of the last two pics, #4 or #5, they are both (by far) more expensive, must be custom-made and make me feel like the widest bride in the world when paired with my figure. Although, to be fair to #4 and #5, I havent actually tried them on per se. The more formal/traditional I go, the less attractive I seem to feel when I try dresses on. Silly how being shown what you're supposed to look like ruins how you do look sometimes. However, the alternatives (things like #2 and #3) have Tony wearing knickers and a pirate shirt to coordinate with me...

Don't get me wrong, I think he'd look like a hot stud dressed in period costume...

But *he* feels like these outfits make him look like this...

That's right, I believe the guys call it being a pussy.

I think I may be stuck.

My only hope is if one of the less traditional dresses/costumes I keep being attracted to could be remade in a more bride-like material maybe.

Or maybe Tony and I could both wear GIANT CLOAKS so no one knows /what/ we are wearing underneath.

You don't think this would make anyone uncomfortable if we come straight from the Black Mass to the reception?

ending my schooling for the time being on a high note

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 18:31:15 GMT

I got an A for my psych class. She gave me a perfect score on both the video summary and article review papers even though I slammed on her for making us watch a graphic, cruelty-filled psych film with no warning about its contents. Maybe deep down she knows its true about the documentary she is requiring. I wonder if she is still gonna make people see it next term.

weather mood connection

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 18:12:51 GMT

It's rainy and cool and dark. I feel like a portion of my soul came back alive again. That part is asking me why I am not happy. I had forgotten why I should even question my despondence. Instead, my exhausted habit has been to use it to quietly beat myself up for not being better at feeling better. Just a low hum of defeat I hadnt really noticed until the estranged portion of me was able to return. That part of me has the strength to love this life and to remind me of what is dear. I just can't think clearly enough to find my bearings in the heat, glare, and humidity of this climate. I feel like I was bred to live somewhere dimmer and cooler. The dark-loving region of my heart is so much more vast. It can carry me along when I am full of doubt in a way the bleached-out portions of my experience simply don't. Accessing my resources during this unnatural season is difficult at best and impossible to sustain.

Summer makes me severely lop-sided emotionally, and even physically. It strains the systems of my body, calling false alarms of allergen invaders and screwing up my sleep cycles. It's like being in a land with nothing familiar, nothing to remind me what's living in my imagination or my heart. As the heat glares on impassively, I find the doors are shut inside and I am in exile from the real me most of the time. I can't sense an inner bedrock of sureness anymore and haunting bittersweet certainties won't risk a crossing to meet with me in such an alien place. Everything smells like hot cotton candy and burns at my nerves like the singed fur of a moth battered against hot ceiling lights in many treacherous and confused attempts to find its way.

Ethical question on guilt

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 21:52:45 GMT

I forgot to pick my sister up from the airport this morning. I was alarmed when I realized she'd texted my phone this morning asking where I was, but when I caught up with her in person later and apologized (besides the apology I left on her voicemail when I couldnt reach her) she said it was no big deal and that she'd have actually called my phone if it mattered to her. She took the max home from the airport.

Is she being nice or is this actually okay?

My instinct says I really do suck for not remembering my obligation. It's not her job to call and remind me to pick her up. We talked about it only about 4 days ago, and I agreed to it, wrote it on my calendar, and everything. The problem is, I didnt happen to look at my calendar much after that.

It was an honest mistake, but it was also a thoughtless thing to do. I never know what the guilt factor should appropriately be. I felt horrified when I realized (way too late) that I'd forgotten she was coming back this morning. I also worried that she's just being nice to gloss over the painful fact that her sister is clearly not paying her enough attention in life. Then again, if she's honestly not holding any resentment over this (which the whole time we gabbed I honestly felt like it didnt matter to her) then isn't it kind of sick for me to feel just as crappy about it as if she'd been enraged? Or is that letting external circumstances dictate my conscience to me?

What a Good Morning

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 15:32:15 GMT

The extra coverings on my windows in the bedroom have worked! I didnt wake up until 730am!! That's two hours of extra sleep I was not able to get before. Also, I forgot to mention, I put a giant air filtering machine into the bedroom and ran it last night. My allergies were noticeably better too.

To make the morning even more pleasant, it is totally overcast outside. It's so beautiful. It brings out the best colors of green and a gentle stillness like the outdoors is actually contained by a planetary-sized arboretum. Everything seems gentler to me when it is overcast. There's just the mildest hint of fresh cold air traveling whimsically about amidst the stillness.

I'm listening to BlueMars' Cryosleep. It's one of my favorite streaming stations-- "zero beat guaranteed!" Here's the link to hear them.

Tony and I worked our asses off yesterday to get the house details caught up and to create our first ever proper living room space. It looks fantastically comfortable and functional now. Tony just got up a few minutes ago, and as soon as he gets dressed we'll be headed to the NE Community Center. While Tony is working out, I will be visiting the Starbuck's located next door.

I don't need a workout, personally. My muscles are all sore from hefting furniture yesterday. Even my hand muscles are sore from all the gripping and lifting! Plus, I've been hot, red-faced, and sweaty for most of the last week because any level of exertion during heat waves leaves me that way. The last thing I want to do with this overcast weather day I've been given is to get all red-faced, hot, and sweaty. NO. I've been on a mild weight loss trend the last few days, and that is going just fine on its own. Let the neutral weather be relished today!

I'm in such a better mood having some sleep and not waking up feeling feverish finally. The cooling system in the house isnt perfect, and August may still find me sitting in a tub of ice with a wet rag wrapped around my head... but for now, I'm coping again.

x-posted to summer_s_a_d

ebay bidding

Fri, 29 May 2009 18:17:17 GMT

My bid on the sleep sounds machine on ebay is up from .99 to $3.25 now. Someone put in 4 more bids, but then seems to have dropped out of sight again. This is my first excursion onto ebay and it's bidding wars, so I'm not sure what to expect. I've got less than 24 hours left til the auction is over. I keep expecting some tricky thing where at the last five minutes twenty automatic bidding programs descend on my "top bid" and I'm left with no sound machine after all. I keep nervously wondering what is going to happen, and checking the link even though the ebay informational email claimed I would be notified if I got outbid so I'd have a chance to bid higher.

This sleep machine is a replica of one I had over a decade ago when I had several problems that inhibited me from falling asleep at night. I was severely dependent on it. When I finally got past the issues keeping me from sleeping normally, I gave it away in a celebration of my independence. Now, I'd like to hear it again. Before we moved from Troutdale, I was in the habit of listening to the sound of the ocean on my pc as I fell asleep, not as a necessity, but just for the peacefulness. Since we set up pc areas upstairs away from the bedroom at our new house, I havent been able to enjoy the sound of the ocean or my starmessage screen saver as I go to bed anymore. So, having the sleep machine back would be nice.

Good Tidings this Morning

Mon, 25 May 2009 19:36:11 GMT

Just to set the stage a little, nothing went right yesterday. It wasnt super dramatic for the most part-- I kept trying to get things off craigslist and something would make it not work out or I'd expect to meet up with friends or family and they'd be unavailable, etc-- there was one incident I cant bear to speak of that embarrassed me and made me cry several different times, but it wasnt that big of deal in the cosmic scheme of things. When all was said and done, the day was not even "bad" as much as draining and somewhat futile-feeling. Notably, toward the end of the day, I wanted to give up on my diet as usual and get ice cream, but Tony talked me out of it, and I am really grateful as I think my feeling of grudging acceptance from that incident helped see me through to a better mentality today.

This morning, Tony and I were cuddling in bed and it was one of those moments that you know will stand out in your memory long after the day is gone. We giggled. We talked of whatever came to mind. At one point, I asked Tony what floor of the building a clinic was on because I wanted to do an exposure up in an elevator. I had assumed it was like the 8th floor. He said he thought it was on the 14th floor. Surprised, I cried out, "What? Are you fucking me?" In a few seconds, we were both laughing really hard because here we were entwined in each other's body, what a thing to say. Tony said, laughing, "uh, no, not right now..." and we were laughing... it was so interesting to laugh while twined with someone else who's laughing. I could feel us both jiggling and heaving as we cracked up over my slip of the tongue. I had meant to say "Are you kidding me?" Condensed down from, "Are you fucking kidding me?" but the urgency of my question had mischosen the wrong -ing word to leave in the sentence. lol.

I promised Tony that I would not ask anything of him this "weekend" (his days off) because I wanted to really notice and commemorate him working so hard to get to six months sober. He has had a couple of "tut tut" moments (private joke) where I started to ask him to do this or that, but the happy time we had this morning is 100% a result of my being present and not in planning mode or ideas mode because I was being mindful of not making demands. It opened my eyes to how important being available is, and how much happier I feel when there is a balance between making plans and enjoying what's here already.

Another really cool thing that happened this morning with Tony and I was that I found out that we are living on parallel spiritual paths. And we are becoming aware of it! I had struggled with two feelings since my recent recovery of spiritual direction. One was the effort of keeping my personal discovery to myself and the other was worrying that Tony was not interested in connecting that way with me. I worried that we would eventually drift apart with such an important thing not being developed openly together.

Now, I feel like my efforts to keep my spiritual epiphany protected and private (despite my usual urge to tell everything that happens to me) were rewarded this morning. Tony started spontaneously talking about what *he* has been learning about from a book recommended by one of his mentors and it was one of the exact same lessons I am learning about only in different words! It was really really cool. I took this as an omen that I should share the congruency of what I am learning about with him, and he was pleased too. Then, I told him about how I had been kind of hurt that he wasn't interested or curious about what my path had been on this topic lately. He told me he had seen in my journal how I was trying to be private about it and so even though he's been very curious, he was not asking me out of respect!!! I love Tony so much.

I felt greatly relieved and also rewarded. I feel I see the value and importance of learning my stuff on my own, and also that it's okay to share about it to my partner who, it turns out, is learning along very similar lines. The energy between Tony and I this morning has felt deeply genuine.

Tony and I are going to go on a hike as soon as I finish this entry. I don't know why or how it works, but somehow the less I try to make things happen, the more they do right by me.

getting burned

Fri, 22 May 2009 20:43:26 GMT

I went back to the garage to see what the chirping noise was that the car was making. They told me it would be in and out. It turned out that they never noticed a chirping noise while they had it in back, but what they did notice was that one of the head gaskets was leaking oil, meaning it hadnt been properly installed. Now, we're in a loaner car, a luxury, station wagon-looking Subaru, until further notice. He said he'd call us on Tuesday to see if the problem was fixed by then. I can't believe we paid these people thousands of dollars and things keep being wrong with it still. On the plus side, they are acknowledging there's a problem and so hopefully when we get it back again next week, it will be tiptop finally.

A few minutes ago, I put my pinky finger under the hot water dispenser to see if it was warm enough yet to fill my tea cup. I had my pinky under the water stream and it's like I couldnt decide whether it was hot or cold pouring on my finger so I didnt move it out of the way. I really expected it to be cold water and then to slowly warm up, and so it took me quite some time (by nerve ending standards) to realize that the water pouring over the tip of my pinky finger was indeed BOILING HOT. Now, I'm having to keep my finger wrapped in wet papertowels or else it does that thing where it feels like it's burning still. I havent had that in ages... it's kind of taking me back to my teenage years.

The last time I really burned myself good was when I was at the Rocky Horror Picture Show midnight showing on Clinton St with my high school buddies. I was in the bathroom drunk on smuggled vodka to the point that I was resting my lit cigarette in my hand and didnt notice that the cherry was right on the tip of my pinky. I kept thinking something was mighty uncomfortable down on my hand somewhere, but I couldnt seem to connect to the idea that I had the power to do something about the problem until it was quite urgent. OMG, come to think of it, I burned the exact same pinky tip and everything then too! I am apparently slow to acknowledge burning sensations on my left pinky. Back then I had a large bottle of vodka to account for my slowness, but now, I guess I've just gotten a bit dim.

speaking up helps

Thu, 14 May 2009 21:20:31 GMT

For the critique portion of my paper about the video I was assigned to watch, I let the college have it about the irresponsibility of making mandatory a film whose images were repeatedly cruel, degrading, and overly-graphic without even preparing the students or couching the film's content within an explanation of some sort at least.

I felt a lot better after writing this critique for the professor to read since I had to walk out on the film physically ill after coping with repeated, actual footage of child abuse, animal experimentation, and the degradation of mental patients and shell shocked soldiers, often deliberately filmed with no clothing. The objectification and impassivity reflected toward suffering by those not mentally identified with by the researchers *needed* explanation at the very least. Being impartial and "scientific" should not be interchangeable with being unethical** and sociopathic.

**Edited to add: Of course, my idea of what is unethical and desensitizing is radically different than some psych professor's idea, or even the majority of my peers, and so there you have it. *That* is why I had to be sickened to the core yesterday. Because I am not "normal" enough.

Thu, 14 May 2009 06:14:12 GMT

OMG the band Heart is coming to Edgefield in Troutdale this August! I will be there. I must hear them live before I die.